Understanding Hidden Demands in PDA

One of the biggest misconceptions about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) is that it’s simply about refusing to do what you’re asked.

If only it were that simple.

Many adults supporting children with PDA quickly discover that even when they’re being calm, kind and reasonable, things can still escalate. A child may refuse a simple request, become distressed by praise, or appear to react strongly to something that doesn’t seem like a demand at all.

And that’s because, for many individuals with PDA, demands are everywhere.

In our new Understanding PDA booklet, we explore the idea that demands aren’t limited to instructions. They can also include:

• Questions
• Expectations
• Praise
• Social pressures
• Everyday routines

In fact, even positive interactions can sometimes feel overwhelming.

The Hidden Demand Most People Miss

Imagine a child has completed a piece of work.

A traditional response might be:

“That’s really good work.”

Most of us would see this as encouragement.

But for some children with PDA, that praise can accidentally create a new demand.

• What if I can’t do it that well next time?
• What if people expect this standard every time?
• What if everyone is looking at me?

Suddenly, what was intended as positive feedback can feel like pressure.

That’s why PDA-informed approaches often focus on acknowledging rather than evaluating. Instead of saying, “That’s amazing,” we might say:

“I can see you worked hard on that.”

It’s a subtle shift, but it removes the judgement and reduces the pressure.

A Different Question

One of the most powerful messages in the booklet is this:

What if the behaviour isn’t the problem?

What if the refusal, avoidance, shutdown or resistance is actually a sign that the demand feels too overwhelming?

When we shift our thinking from:

“How do I make this child comply?”

to:

“How do I reduce the pressure they’re experiencing?”

everything changes.

The conversation becomes less about control and more about understanding.

Small Changes, Big Impact

Throughout the booklet, we share practical examples, real-life scenarios and strategies that can help adults reduce demand, lower anxiety and increase engagement.

Because the goal isn’t to make children comply.

The goal is to create environments where they feel safe enough to participate.

If this resonates with you, we’d love you to join our community. Members can access the full Understanding PDA booklet completely free, along with practical resources designed to help create more inclusive environments for children and young people.

Sometimes the smallest changes in our approach can make the biggest difference.